1. A Mission Defined

by Stuart Rankin

At any given moment the stress on the zipper holding Barney’s noggin on could prove too much, splitting apart the teeth, and off his head would roll from the stalk it gingerly sits upon; the stalk Barney lovingly refers to as his neck. But that’s beside the point. The real reason Barney is so hot under the collar is because of how he ended up with a zipper holding his head on in the first place.

An agent- provocateur posing as a seamstress worked her womanly wiles on poor old, blundering Barney and WHAMMO! … he lost his head.

He knows damn well he falls to pieces when faced with the prospect of fun with a lady. This time he stepped across the line between getting away with it and not.

The Tanzanian Secret Police were on to his schemes long before he confirmed his flight from Tripoli to Dar es Salaam. Mission: to gain possession of as much top notch espresso beans for Muammar’s grinder as he could fit in his knapsack.

Barney, the secret agent man, working undercover for Quaddafi’s caffeine habit, made his first mistake when he asked a Tanzanian Embassy official where the best coffee was to be found in his homeland.

The Tanzanian official became suspicious when Barney figured out loud that perhaps his knapsack was too small. His suspicions were confirmed when, under surveillance at the airport, Barney was seen checking an empty knapsack three times the size of his old one.

Phones jangled off the hook down Tanzania way as Barney emptied his pockets by the x-ray machine, and the dogs with the official looking hats had a good sniff of his arse just in case of drugs.